Excruciating Pain
by The Sage of Spirits
Summary: It hurts him when he says that.


**Excruciating Pain**

It hurt. Every time he said it, it hurt even more. In fact, he was sure he was well past his tolerance level. It hurt so much, he wanted to cry. Worse yet, it hurt so much, he wanted to pray to the false Goddess and ask her to relief him of the pain. The excruciating pain.

He wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell him so bad. But he could not get himself involved. He could not take away everything he had just because he wanted to have him again. All he could do is look from afar, and all it did was make him bleed. Bleed from the pain that was eating him from the inside.

"Kratos?"

Another pain, stronger than before. Kratos had to resist the urge to grab his chest and tear his heart out. "What is it, Lloyd?"

"Well, first, you alright? You look like you're in pain." Lloyd said, tilting his head to get a new perspective of Kratos. He had to make sure that he could see anything from every angle.

Kratos yet again resisted that longing to tell Lloyd the truth. The pain hurt so much, he wished he could purge it with his sword. "I'm fine. What did you need?"

"Well, I wanted to ask if you wanted to train with me again." Lloyd said, hands on his sword hilts. "I mean, that's if you don't mind." he said, turning his eyes away to look at Colette laughing with Genis. Those two have not had the chance to play games with each other in a while, he realized. He did not want to bother them.

Kratos nodded his head. "Alright, let's head over there." he said, watching Lloyd smile. Another pain, more intense than before, came again…

"Thanks, Kratos!" Lloyd said beamingly, unsheathing his swords. He ran over to where Kratos pointed, unknowing to the second wave of pain Kratos felt on his chest.

Kratos bit his lips, hoping to ease the pain. It only grew. He walked over to where Lloyd stood waiting for him. "Alright," he said, unsheathing his sword, "let's see what you can do today."

* * *

"Hah!" Lloyd said happily as he collapsed in exhaustion onto the grass, his arms spread out. "Hey Kratos, can I ask you something?" he said, throwing his hands behind his head.

Kratos dropped to the ground, hoping the crash onto the grass would stop the next wave of pain. "What is it?"

Lloyd sighed for a moment, as if nervous, then turned his attention back onto Kratos. "When the journey is over, you'll be a free mercenary again, right?" he asked, watching as Kratos nodded his head. "Do you… Do you mind if I go with you? You know, be your apprentice or something?"

Kratos looked at him with a weak gaze. A sharp pain shot down his back, his heart beating rapidly. "Where did this come from?" he asked, turning onto his side.

"Well, I kind of doubt that the villagers would allow me back into the village, so I can't really stay at home. So I want to travel and learn more swordsmanship. And well, you're my teacher and all, and so I wanted to go with you. That's if you don't mind, of course!" he said, turning his upper body to the side and rubbing his head in embarrassment.

Another wound grasped him. Another pain was on its way. He was going to destroy his own son's future. "I don't see a problem with it, but you'd have to let everyone else know about it. I don't want to be the one chewed out because they thought it was my idea."

"Alright." Lloyd said with a sigh, lowering his head. "Thanks, Kratos!" he said, returning to lie on his back. He stared up into the sky, a beaming smile on his face.

Kratos turned to his side, front away from Lloyd, as he clutched his chest in agony.

* * *

"Why didn't you tell me I was hurting you by calling you that?" Lloyd asked, walking back toward the railing overlooking the city of Flanior. He rested his arms along the rails, placing his head upon them. Kratos walked up to him, a forlorn look on his face.

"You had everything you needed – friends, and a father who raised you. Had I told you, I would have simply interfered." Kratos said, standing next to Lloyd. He clutched his chest, the pain that had built becoming too unbearable to hide. "You didn't need me."

Lloyd turned his head sadly at Kratos. "Why would you assume that? Were you just afraid to tell me? Is that why you let Yuan do it for you?" he said, turning his head back to have a look at the city. He bit his lip, trying to keep the pain down.

"I'm sorry." he said, still clutching his chest. "I figured you were happy. And not only that, I would have had to explain things," he said, pointing to himself, "and that would have not gone well at all. I could not say that I wanted to have you back, because you would not have believed me."

Lloyd sighed, shivering slightly from the cold. He then felt something get placed onto him, and turned his head. "What…?" he said, looking at his back. "Why did you take your cape off…?"

"Because you were cold." Kratos said, rubbing his shoulders clean of snow. Lloyd was about to take it off, when Kratos placed his hand onto the cape. "It's fine, I cannot feel the cold."

"…Alright." Lloyd said, leaving it to sit on his shoulders. "How long have you felt the pain of me calling you by name?" he asked, adjusting the cape so that it sat comfortably on his shoulders.

Kratos looked away, opening his mouth just to close it again, instead deciding to bite his lips. When was it that it started? "I suppose it started when I found out the truth and when we rescued you at the Renegade Base. It was a slight awkward feeling at first, but then it grew. Tremendously. And then it turned into pain." he said, placing his hand onto his face and lowering it. "I think I only agreed to go with Yuan because I wanted to see you again, and the pain was so stacked up that I crumbled beneath the pressure."

Lloyd turned around, mouth wide open. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but the words failed him. He lowered his head, trying to get the words to come. He only looked up once he was ready. "I'm sorry."

Kratos slowly changed his gaze from the snow at his feet to Lloyd's face. Why should he be sorry? "Why are you sorry?" he said, walking closer to Lloyd. He wanted to hold him, hold him in quiet embrace, as a father. But he simply could not get himself to do so.

"Because I kept calling you K-… by name, even when you were training me during the Regeneration Journey. I should have called you 'Master' then or something. At least then I would have stopped some of the pain." he said, turning his head away. He felt confused and weak. He could always help everyone but himself; perhaps that was what it meant to be an idealist. But how could he help others when he cannot help himself?

"Lloyd, it wasn't you. I am the one at fault. I could have made you say it at any time." Kratos said, hand reaching for Lloyd's shoulder; however, he retracted it in fear. "You only did what you thought was right."

Lloyd looked away, not wanting to look Kratos in the eye. "Well, I don't want you to feel that pain again, so I'm not going to all you by name. But…" he said, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth. He shook his hands in slight anger. "But I don't know if I'm ready to call you that yet."

Kratos looked toward the church, nodding his head weakly in understanding. "But… I have nothing else to call you." he heard Lloyd say, and turned back to him. He saw Lloyd's face twist with confusion as he scratched his head. "So I'm doing it for you. But I won't say it too often."

"Lloyd…" Kratos muttered to himself, mouth gaping. His eyes were widened, shaking slightly in shock. He felt a weak tug at his lips, a weak smile forming. "That's far more than what I deserve." he said, walking up and standing beside Lloyd. Hesitantly, he slowly reached for Lloyd's opposite shoulder, but hovered over it.

Lloyd looked around with a confused frown, then felt his hand creeping toward Kratos'. He found himself placing it on his shoulder. "But before I start that, you have to promise me something." he said, looking at the confused look on Kratos' face. "You have to promise to stay. I know you have a few more things to do, but I'm not talking about now. I'm talking about after everything's over and done with." he said, looking away in fear of what was written on Kratos' face. "I… want you here. I need you here to do so many things. Like talk about Mom." he said, keeping his head lowered and bracing for the response.

"I promise." Lloyd looked up; did he hear him right? He looked at Kratos, expecting to see a shake of his head; instead, he saw a weak smile on his face. "As long as you say you need me, I'll be around." he said, walking down the pathway to the inn. Lloyd stepped in line with him, least he be dragged across the ground. "Knowing that I have my son back is all I needed…" he muttered to himself, walking further through the city.

Kratos smiled. In a single moment, the pain had all but vanished.

* * *

_Yeah, this is what happens when your brother starts playing ToS again for who knows what reason. I commented on how it must hurt Kratos every time Lloyd called him "Kratos" and that inspired this. Of course, that made me happy to think of such, as I don't particularly like him unless it deals with Lloyd fluff. But this thought came also at 1AM, so I was trying to sleep, but then I couldn't sleep (which isn't anything new, honestly.) but I didn't write this until I got up. The beginning I like, the ending... Meh, sorta, but feels a bit rushed. Anyway, review please._


End file.
